Let's talk about sex Baby....Part 1

Sex can mean any number of things to people. The difference between Male and Female, the "act" of sex. But to most of society its a dirty word or something that shouldn't be discussed outside of one's intimate relationships, if at all.
 Sex seems to be synonymous with Dirty, Forbidden, Wrong.  Growing up in a very traditional household it wasn't discussed at all.  We were never encouraged to to ask questions or told it was okay to be curious and explore.  Aside from a girl scout badge about becoming a "teen" and a truly horrendous 6 week "health class"  in the fourth grade it was never touched upon.  In both of those cases it was more about changing bodies and hormones or "warning" us of the dangers of unprotected sex than anything else. Abstinence was the preferred opinion. Going into High School, of course I knew what it was, growing up in today's world you can't turn on the TV or pick up a book with out some reference to sex even indirectly.  It was the same *cough 10-15 cough* years ago. So while I certainly had 0 experience at 14, I had the general idea but was by no means an expert.  Although at the time I didn't feel naive, that came later.  Again though, and granted I went to a catholic High School, there was no outlet readily available to ask questions or just TALK about sex. Other than a brief stint in health class where we were "scared straight" with graphic images of STI's and taught abstinence, that was it. Wikipedia wasn't around yet and Google certainly wasn't popular.  There were very few if any forums or online discussions. At least that I was made aware of. Which is sort of the point. If the limited resources that were available in the late 90's weren't made aware to me, where did my parents and adults in general think I was getting my information. Or which is more likely the case did they keep it from me in some antiquated version of logic? Did they think keeping me in the dark was better for me?

Random stuff and other goings on

I haven't really been in the best mood for a while. It's pretty normal for me to have ups and downs, I've just been stuck in a funk for longer than usual. And I've been stuck in my own head, which never leads to anything good. So I figure maybe its time to purge my brain and see if it helps.
I feel like Hubs and I are drifting. Not really apart more like we're just stalled. I know that I am feeling lost since we are having such a hard time having a baby. Like since a baby isn't happening I don't know what to do now. I told my "other Mom" that trying to have a baby, in essence is ruining our lives. Overly dramatic sure any less true probably not. At the very least it is putting a huge strain on our relationship and driving me bonkers :) I don't really know what we're going to do on that front right now. We can't afford insurance so we don't have the means to find out if its something medical that can be treated or what. Being in this directionless limbo sucks!
We've been spending a ton of time with my in-laws, swimming and other outdoor stuff so that's been really nice this summer. It's bloody hot out so having access to a pool all the time is awesome. But let me tell you you haven't truly been living until your MIL asks you "When was your last period?" in front of FIL and Hubs. I pretty sure we were all horrified. It led to a very uncomfortable discussion of sex and other baby making related topics that I could have gone to the grave with out ever discussing in public. That's all I've got for now Friday i'm going to do some serious journaling so will have more to post.

Birthday and Comment Cherries

So yesterday was my Birthday. *cue applause, not* I tend not to make a big deal out of it, I had the parties and friends over when I was a kid. As I got older we had a family meal together and that was nice. When Jase and I first started dating he would come along, now though we have the family stuff early and typically spend the actual day just the 2 of us. It's nice, like yesterday, we went out to eat and then to a movie. I suppose part of the reason I don't like a big fuss is because I can't be disappointed that way. I know that sounds terrible, I should be grateful for a smile and a birthday wish, I can't help it though. I can't even explain it, it's one of those things that you know rationally makes no sense but you can't stop feeling it even if it is just for a second. All in all it was a nice dinner and Snow White and the Huntsmen is a kick ASS movie.

Onto comment cherries, because it's much easier to talk about than my issues :) I started this because while I would probably be putting the same thing down in a traditional journal, just getting it out of my head and locking it away in a journal didn't appeal. I wanted it out there, I figured if I was going to go through the muck anyways I wanted to truly be rid of it. So online it went. I never set out to get people to read it, frankly I'm very careful with the address, it wasn't my goal to get followers. In truth I don't think most of what I say is all that interesting. But as I've gone along I can't help but notice the page views and comment counters. Evil things those. They lure you from the overview page to look and keep a tally in your head and wonder who those readers are, what they think of what you've written, why no one has commented. Why, why, why. Even though I'm not doing this for anyone other than myself and simply typing some of these things out and hitting the PUBLISH button takes a great weight from my heart and soul. It's still there in the back of my head, why, like a fly buzzing that you can't catch. I've visited my own page a total of 1 time, I rarely re-read anything I've written so why I think anyone else will want to is a mystery. But you are. Somewhere, someone  maybe multiple someone's is looking. Who know's it could be 1 person who is totally enthralled with my mess of a life and keeps coming back for more. Could be people are actually getting something out of my journey. Could be people want to know what I could possibly b*tch about next. Who knows. YOU do, that's right you.  Someone once said they didn't know if I wanted comments on here, at the time I couldn't have answered him one way or the other. It's probably still not a definitive "yes, please comment" but yeah go ahead. I know that when you put it out there you are entering the court of public opinion and all that, I get it. I'm not expecting sunshine and roses. If you have the urge, try not to slay me to badly, but I'm a big girl and part of that is taking the good and the bad. I'd also like to throw out there that this is my safe haven and I'm letting you in. I have opinions and wouldn't like anyone telling me not to share them I won't do that to anyone either. But outright meanness and fighting aren't going to fly. Attacking someone, anyone, for their opinion whatever it is, is a no no for me. There is enough hate and prejudice and bullying out there in the world. I certainly don't know everything and have yet to meet anyone who does. So feel free to express yourself just nicely :)

TAP TAP TAP Is this thing on?  Help me out, someone please. My comment cherry is in need of being popped. Looking at the one lonely comment that I posted myself toward the beginning, to explain something I screwed up is giving me a tic. (Not really but I enjoy being dramatic from time to time) Anyway doing it myself certainly didn't count for that other cherry, it doesn't count for this one either.

Shadow's

I'm trying to remember to see the light through the trees.

We went away for the weekend. My parents have a pop up camper that we borrowed and went down to Pike's Peak for the weekend. J's family has a few sites down there and the whole lot of us trooped down for some fun and sun. For the most part we had a great time. There were some snippy moments and a couple f**k all moments where i wanted to pack it all in and head home. I don't know why. I've said before, my mother in law tends to take over, she can be a force of nature. Sunday night some things were said, to me and about us, that put me in a funk. I was all good to hide out nest door in our camper and chill. I know she thought she was helping, Momma came over and tried to cheer me outta my funk. Sis brought the baby over to cheer me to. It was all to much I finally said I needed a minute and would be over in a few. I was already feeling weird and after 20 minutes of "cheering" I'll admit I was pissy. I snapped at Jase, I needed a few minutes to get myself back together, and although they meant well the last thing I needed was Momma and Sis acting like I was being stubborn and blowing things out of proportion. I know they all meant well including Jase but I didn't feel that way at the time. We went over and played cards for a while, we sat and chatted for a while, we sat around the fire for a while. Everyone gave me a pretty wide berth. I finally went over and played solitaire. And cried. And probably felt a little sorry for myself. And felt sorry for Jase for having to deal with me.
SIGH...........I'm trying to not let this kind of thing overshadow all the good stuff. They just creep in on everything.  So i came back a little bit relaxed, a little bit frustrated, with burnt shoulders........... SIGH

Happy Dance, Dance Happy!

I forgot how much dance makes me happy. As much as I love and enjoy music, something about dance lifts my soul. I started out in a tumbling tots class when I was 3. It's not something that I necessarily asked to do. I think it was more that with a toddler and a baby my Mom wanted me to be in a few activities that were just for me. When I aged out of the classes my original studio offered I moved to a larger more diverse studio. I don't remember really making that decision either. I'm sure we talked about whether I wanted to continue dancing or not. When I got a little older I loved it and wanted to continue.
After those initial tumbling classes, I focused on Tap and Jazz. Like most things people love to do it was a lot of hard work and made a lot of sacrifices. All told I took classes for 13 years. Thinking back I had 2 classes at an hour a piece 2 times a week. That's not including performances, dress/show rehearsal's, plus all of the extra training leading up to show week. So that's 4 hours of classes 45ish weeks a year plus the weeks leading up to a show where we had classes all day for a seriously long time! It wasn't the only thing I did for all those years, I played CYO sports at school as soon as I was old enough and was in Girl Scouts from K through 12. But I loved dancing. All the time and hard work and pain totally was worth it. I never had dreams of becoming a professional dancer, never thought I could make some kind of career out of it. It was something I did simply for the love of it.
SYTYCD season 9 premiered Thursday that's what brought all of this up. I'm not a huge fan of reality tv but in the last few years with shows like that and ABDC and Dancing with the stars, dance is gaining a lot of recognition. Although some of it is silly and watching DWTS makes me cringe, the new interest and popularity of something that I loved and so touched a piece of me growing up, makes my heart happy.
Here are some performances that have particularly touched me......

     For reals, Holy F**king S**t. This made me cry, it was beautiful in its sincerity. Seriously, the chills!

                      This is simply titled Addiction.  Brings awareness in new ways. It's beautiful!

The fluidity of his movements and expressions are gorgeous.

The grace and emotions these 2 men share with the audience make me smile! And it HOT!!

I've spent way to much time sifting through dance video's on youtube so I'm going to leave it at these 4, I hope they touch your heart like they do mine :)

Little Woman 2

Ok so I'm going to try this again since I'm calmer since yesterday. I'm an intelligent, independent woman. I have feelings, ideas, opinions. Why is it that no one seems to hear me. I felt like I wasn't needed while looking at cars until someone had to write a check and truthfully if Hubs had the checkbook he could have done that too. We were looking to replace my car so you would think that what I thought would have been kinda important. It's like everyone thought that they knew better or had to handle it for me. My MIL just took over. It's not that I'm not appreciative for all the help, neither one of us has bought a car by ourselves so it was nice to have someone we trust to ask questions and offer advice. It just felt like I was a little kid again and waiting for mom to fix it for me, and Hubs just went along. That's probably what frustrated me the most.
Last night we borrowed a trailer from the in laws. I don't have a problem borrowing or sharing anything that we can with family. In fact I think it's great that in J's family they are so open with each other and offer to help with such ease. The borrowing was not the problem. It was really late when this was "decided", the tags are expired, we had to move stuff around at home in the middle of the night, we've never driven anything with a trailer hooked up. I just didn't think we should do it right then. I said that, they continued playing with it. I said specifically that I didn't want to take it home, nothing. We took it home. Hubs asked me if I was mad on the way home, you know how when someone asks you if you are mad it just makes you angrier. Yeah. Again I was just overlooked. J and his Mom decided we were taking it home it came home. It just hit a nerve.
I know that I have been weird for the last year or so, but I'm still me. I like to feel taken care of, I don't need it. I always share the big decisions with Jase, I may ask for advice from our parents but in the end its OUR decision.
My parents have made it perfectly clear that J is supposed to be the main provider and take care of me. It's old school Italian and the way I was raised. My Mom was raised the same way. She makes my Dads plate before she eats, the kitchen and laundry and cooking all my Mom's jobs. Their way of living isn't ours. J and I split everything pretty evenly at home. I thought that worked for both of us. Is that not working anymore or did he just get caught up in hurricane Momma. I know that we should talk, that I shouldn't let this just continue to bother me and expect Jase to figure it out. I don't talk well. It's hard for me to not always be the people pleaser. Maybe we will work some of this out this coming weekend, we're hoping to get out of town. We both need to blow off some steam.

Little Women??

Do I have "BRAINLESS TWIT" tattooed on my forehead? So part of what has me in a funk came to light tonight. And truthfully not just the funk from the last few days, although this hasn't helped that any either. I've said before that jase and I have been together for 10 years. In the last few days I keep thinking to myself that lots of people I know and love think I'm either stupid, have no opinion of my own, am in some way brainless or ditzy, or for some ungodly reason desire to be "taken care of" or in general treated like the "little women". (I know that a lot of quotes but I think that just drives home the absurdity of it all.) We just bought a new to us truck to replace my car that crapped out last summer. Now we have been sharing 1 vehicle for almost an entire year and really it hasn't been too much of a hassle. I've said before that I have been hiding lately and part of that included me not really leaving the house all that much especially by myself or for periods of time that would be a problem for Jase not having a car at home. So it really hasn't been a problem but as I'm digging out of my self imposed exile I've been out and about a lot more. We have been looking at getting another car for a while now and I really wanted a truck. I had a few specifications that we really tried to meet at least most of. We found it. The Truck. I said we spent most of the day Thursday tooling around with my in laws to look at the few we found in our price range and for the most part it was a good day. I don't really like car shopping in the first place, I always feel like I get treated like I don't know what I want or anything about cars in general. Which to some extent the latter is true. And I know not all car salesmen behave this way, my Dad sold cars for a few years so I know there are some genuine and helpful people out there. It's just something that I always brace myself for. Anyways by the 4th maybe 5th lot I was done it was hot and I was getting frustrated and frankly a little bored. We had dropped my FIL off at work so it was hubs his mom and I when we finally went to see the last one on the list. I hung back and a little the "dynamic duo" taking charge, we test drove it, asked some questions, and sat down to talk money. At this point it felt like I was hardly needed. When it was finally remembered that I was indeed there and maybe had an opinion I just went with it and pulled out the check book. I am happy with the car, we didn't pay over what I was comfortable with, and we drove it home that night.
This is getting a little whiny which is ick so I'm gonna hurry it up.Tonight I felt steam rolled again, although I did make my opinion known nobody really listened. I'm gonna finish in a part 2 I think cause right now I'm mad and talking typing whatever shouldn't be done when I wanna scream or throw my hands up and say "to hell with it!"