Sex seems to be synonymous with Dirty, Forbidden, Wrong. Growing up in a very traditional household it wasn't discussed at all. We were never encouraged to to ask questions or told it was okay to be curious and explore. Aside from a girl scout badge about becoming a "teen" and a truly horrendous 6 week "health class" in the fourth grade it was never touched upon. In both of those cases it was more about changing bodies and hormones or "warning" us of the dangers of unprotected sex than anything else. Abstinence was the preferred opinion. Going into High School, of course I knew what it was, growing up in today's world you can't turn on the TV or pick up a book with out some reference to sex even indirectly. It was the same *cough 10-15 cough* years ago. So while I certainly had 0 experience at 14, I had the general idea but was by no means an expert. Although at the time I didn't feel naive, that came later. Again though, and granted I went to a catholic High School, there was no outlet readily available to ask questions or just TALK about sex. Other than a brief stint in health class where we were "scared straight" with graphic images of STI's and taught abstinence, that was it. Wikipedia wasn't around yet and Google certainly wasn't popular. There were very few if any forums or online discussions. At least that I was made aware of. Which is sort of the point. If the limited resources that were available in the late 90's weren't made aware to me, where did my parents and adults in general think I was getting my information. Or which is more likely the case did they keep it from me in some antiquated version of logic? Did they think keeping me in the dark was better for me?
Monday, August 20, 2012
Let's talk about sex Baby....Part 1
Sex can mean any number of things to people. The difference between Male and Female, the "act" of sex. But to most of society its a dirty word or something that shouldn't be discussed outside of one's intimate relationships, if at all.
Sex seems to be synonymous with Dirty, Forbidden, Wrong. Growing up in a very traditional household it wasn't discussed at all. We were never encouraged to to ask questions or told it was okay to be curious and explore. Aside from a girl scout badge about becoming a "teen" and a truly horrendous 6 week "health class" in the fourth grade it was never touched upon. In both of those cases it was more about changing bodies and hormones or "warning" us of the dangers of unprotected sex than anything else. Abstinence was the preferred opinion. Going into High School, of course I knew what it was, growing up in today's world you can't turn on the TV or pick up a book with out some reference to sex even indirectly. It was the same *cough 10-15 cough* years ago. So while I certainly had 0 experience at 14, I had the general idea but was by no means an expert. Although at the time I didn't feel naive, that came later. Again though, and granted I went to a catholic High School, there was no outlet readily available to ask questions or just TALK about sex. Other than a brief stint in health class where we were "scared straight" with graphic images of STI's and taught abstinence, that was it. Wikipedia wasn't around yet and Google certainly wasn't popular. There were very few if any forums or online discussions. At least that I was made aware of. Which is sort of the point. If the limited resources that were available in the late 90's weren't made aware to me, where did my parents and adults in general think I was getting my information. Or which is more likely the case did they keep it from me in some antiquated version of logic? Did they think keeping me in the dark was better for me?
Sex seems to be synonymous with Dirty, Forbidden, Wrong. Growing up in a very traditional household it wasn't discussed at all. We were never encouraged to to ask questions or told it was okay to be curious and explore. Aside from a girl scout badge about becoming a "teen" and a truly horrendous 6 week "health class" in the fourth grade it was never touched upon. In both of those cases it was more about changing bodies and hormones or "warning" us of the dangers of unprotected sex than anything else. Abstinence was the preferred opinion. Going into High School, of course I knew what it was, growing up in today's world you can't turn on the TV or pick up a book with out some reference to sex even indirectly. It was the same *cough 10-15 cough* years ago. So while I certainly had 0 experience at 14, I had the general idea but was by no means an expert. Although at the time I didn't feel naive, that came later. Again though, and granted I went to a catholic High School, there was no outlet readily available to ask questions or just TALK about sex. Other than a brief stint in health class where we were "scared straight" with graphic images of STI's and taught abstinence, that was it. Wikipedia wasn't around yet and Google certainly wasn't popular. There were very few if any forums or online discussions. At least that I was made aware of. Which is sort of the point. If the limited resources that were available in the late 90's weren't made aware to me, where did my parents and adults in general think I was getting my information. Or which is more likely the case did they keep it from me in some antiquated version of logic? Did they think keeping me in the dark was better for me?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Random stuff and other goings on
I haven't really been in the best mood for a while. It's pretty normal for me to have ups and downs, I've just been stuck in a funk for longer than usual. And I've been stuck in my own head, which never leads to anything good. So I figure maybe its time to purge my brain and see if it helps.
I feel like Hubs and I are drifting. Not really apart more like we're just stalled. I know that I am feeling lost since we are having such a hard time having a baby. Like since a baby isn't happening I don't know what to do now. I told my "other Mom" that trying to have a baby, in essence is ruining our lives. Overly dramatic sure any less true probably not. At the very least it is putting a huge strain on our relationship and driving me bonkers :) I don't really know what we're going to do on that front right now. We can't afford insurance so we don't have the means to find out if its something medical that can be treated or what. Being in this directionless limbo sucks!
We've been spending a ton of time with my in-laws, swimming and other outdoor stuff so that's been really nice this summer. It's bloody hot out so having access to a pool all the time is awesome. But let me tell you you haven't truly been living until your MIL asks you "When was your last period?" in front of FIL and Hubs. I pretty sure we were all horrified. It led to a very uncomfortable discussion of sex and other baby making related topics that I could have gone to the grave with out ever discussing in public. That's all I've got for now Friday i'm going to do some serious journaling so will have more to post.
I feel like Hubs and I are drifting. Not really apart more like we're just stalled. I know that I am feeling lost since we are having such a hard time having a baby. Like since a baby isn't happening I don't know what to do now. I told my "other Mom" that trying to have a baby, in essence is ruining our lives. Overly dramatic sure any less true probably not. At the very least it is putting a huge strain on our relationship and driving me bonkers :) I don't really know what we're going to do on that front right now. We can't afford insurance so we don't have the means to find out if its something medical that can be treated or what. Being in this directionless limbo sucks!
We've been spending a ton of time with my in-laws, swimming and other outdoor stuff so that's been really nice this summer. It's bloody hot out so having access to a pool all the time is awesome. But let me tell you you haven't truly been living until your MIL asks you "When was your last period?" in front of FIL and Hubs. I pretty sure we were all horrified. It led to a very uncomfortable discussion of sex and other baby making related topics that I could have gone to the grave with out ever discussing in public. That's all I've got for now Friday i'm going to do some serious journaling so will have more to post.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Birthday and Comment Cherries
TAP TAP TAP Is this thing on? Help me out, someone please. My comment cherry is in need of being popped. Looking at the one lonely comment that I posted myself toward the beginning, to explain something I screwed up is giving me a tic. (Not really but I enjoy being dramatic from time to time) Anyway doing it myself certainly didn't count for that other cherry, it doesn't count for this one either.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Shadow's
I'm trying to remember to see the light through the trees.
We went away for the weekend. My parents have a pop up camper that we borrowed and went down to Pike's Peak for the weekend. J's family has a few sites down there and the whole lot of us trooped down for some fun and sun. For the most part we had a great time. There were some snippy moments and a couple f**k all moments where i wanted to pack it all in and head home. I don't know why. I've said before, my mother in law tends to take over, she can be a force of nature. Sunday night some things were said, to me and about us, that put me in a funk. I was all good to hide out nest door in our camper and chill. I know she thought she was helping, Momma came over and tried to cheer me outta my funk. Sis brought the baby over to cheer me to. It was all to much I finally said I needed a minute and would be over in a few. I was already feeling weird and after 20 minutes of "cheering" I'll admit I was pissy. I snapped at Jase, I needed a few minutes to get myself back together, and although they meant well the last thing I needed was Momma and Sis acting like I was being stubborn and blowing things out of proportion. I know they all meant well including Jase but I didn't feel that way at the time. We went over and played cards for a while, we sat and chatted for a while, we sat around the fire for a while. Everyone gave me a pretty wide berth. I finally went over and played solitaire. And cried. And probably felt a little sorry for myself. And felt sorry for Jase for having to deal with me.
SIGH...........I'm trying to not let this kind of thing overshadow all the good stuff. They just creep in on everything. So i came back a little bit relaxed, a little bit frustrated, with burnt shoulders........... SIGH
We went away for the weekend. My parents have a pop up camper that we borrowed and went down to Pike's Peak for the weekend. J's family has a few sites down there and the whole lot of us trooped down for some fun and sun. For the most part we had a great time. There were some snippy moments and a couple f**k all moments where i wanted to pack it all in and head home. I don't know why. I've said before, my mother in law tends to take over, she can be a force of nature. Sunday night some things were said, to me and about us, that put me in a funk. I was all good to hide out nest door in our camper and chill. I know she thought she was helping, Momma came over and tried to cheer me outta my funk. Sis brought the baby over to cheer me to. It was all to much I finally said I needed a minute and would be over in a few. I was already feeling weird and after 20 minutes of "cheering" I'll admit I was pissy. I snapped at Jase, I needed a few minutes to get myself back together, and although they meant well the last thing I needed was Momma and Sis acting like I was being stubborn and blowing things out of proportion. I know they all meant well including Jase but I didn't feel that way at the time. We went over and played cards for a while, we sat and chatted for a while, we sat around the fire for a while. Everyone gave me a pretty wide berth. I finally went over and played solitaire. And cried. And probably felt a little sorry for myself. And felt sorry for Jase for having to deal with me.
SIGH...........I'm trying to not let this kind of thing overshadow all the good stuff. They just creep in on everything. So i came back a little bit relaxed, a little bit frustrated, with burnt shoulders........... SIGH
Friday, May 25, 2012
Happy Dance, Dance Happy!
I forgot how much dance makes me happy. As much as I love and enjoy music, something about dance lifts my soul. I started out in a tumbling tots class when I was 3. It's not something that I necessarily asked to do. I think it was more that with a toddler and a baby my Mom wanted me to be in a few activities that were just for me. When I aged out of the classes my original studio offered I moved to a larger more diverse studio. I don't remember really making that decision either. I'm sure we talked about whether I wanted to continue dancing or not. When I got a little older I loved it and wanted to continue.
After those initial tumbling classes, I focused on Tap and Jazz. Like most things people love to do it was a lot of hard work and made a lot of sacrifices. All told I took classes for 13 years. Thinking back I had 2 classes at an hour a piece 2 times a week. That's not including performances, dress/show rehearsal's, plus all of the extra training leading up to show week. So that's 4 hours of classes 45ish weeks a year plus the weeks leading up to a show where we had classes all day for a seriously long time! It wasn't the only thing I did for all those years, I played CYO sports at school as soon as I was old enough and was in Girl Scouts from K through 12. But I loved dancing. All the time and hard work and pain totally was worth it. I never had dreams of becoming a professional dancer, never thought I could make some kind of career out of it. It was something I did simply for the love of it.
SYTYCD season 9 premiered Thursday that's what brought all of this up. I'm not a huge fan of reality tv but in the last few years with shows like that and ABDC and Dancing with the stars, dance is gaining a lot of recognition. Although some of it is silly and watching DWTS makes me cringe, the new interest and popularity of something that I loved and so touched a piece of me growing up, makes my heart happy.
Here are some performances that have particularly touched me......
For reals, Holy F**king S**t. This made me cry, it was beautiful in its sincerity. Seriously, the chills!
This is simply titled Addiction. Brings awareness in new ways. It's beautiful!
After those initial tumbling classes, I focused on Tap and Jazz. Like most things people love to do it was a lot of hard work and made a lot of sacrifices. All told I took classes for 13 years. Thinking back I had 2 classes at an hour a piece 2 times a week. That's not including performances, dress/show rehearsal's, plus all of the extra training leading up to show week. So that's 4 hours of classes 45ish weeks a year plus the weeks leading up to a show where we had classes all day for a seriously long time! It wasn't the only thing I did for all those years, I played CYO sports at school as soon as I was old enough and was in Girl Scouts from K through 12. But I loved dancing. All the time and hard work and pain totally was worth it. I never had dreams of becoming a professional dancer, never thought I could make some kind of career out of it. It was something I did simply for the love of it.
SYTYCD season 9 premiered Thursday that's what brought all of this up. I'm not a huge fan of reality tv but in the last few years with shows like that and ABDC and Dancing with the stars, dance is gaining a lot of recognition. Although some of it is silly and watching DWTS makes me cringe, the new interest and popularity of something that I loved and so touched a piece of me growing up, makes my heart happy.
Here are some performances that have particularly touched me......
The fluidity of his movements and expressions are gorgeous.
The grace and emotions these 2 men share with the audience make me smile! And it HOT!!
I've spent way to much time sifting through dance video's on youtube so I'm going to leave it at these 4, I hope they touch your heart like they do mine :)
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Little Woman 2
Ok so I'm going to try this again since I'm calmer since yesterday. I'm an intelligent, independent woman. I have feelings, ideas, opinions. Why is it that no one seems to hear me. I felt like I wasn't needed while looking at cars until someone had to write a check and truthfully if Hubs had the checkbook he could have done that too. We were looking to replace my car so you would think that what I thought would have been kinda important. It's like everyone thought that they knew better or had to handle it for me. My MIL just took over. It's not that I'm not appreciative for all the help, neither one of us has bought a car by ourselves so it was nice to have someone we trust to ask questions and offer advice. It just felt like I was a little kid again and waiting for mom to fix it for me, and Hubs just went along. That's probably what frustrated me the most.
Last night we borrowed a trailer from the in laws. I don't have a problem borrowing or sharing anything that we can with family. In fact I think it's great that in J's family they are so open with each other and offer to help with such ease. The borrowing was not the problem. It was really late when this was "decided", the tags are expired, we had to move stuff around at home in the middle of the night, we've never driven anything with a trailer hooked up. I just didn't think we should do it right then. I said that, they continued playing with it. I said specifically that I didn't want to take it home, nothing. We took it home. Hubs asked me if I was mad on the way home, you know how when someone asks you if you are mad it just makes you angrier. Yeah. Again I was just overlooked. J and his Mom decided we were taking it home it came home. It just hit a nerve.
I know that I have been weird for the last year or so, but I'm still me. I like to feel taken care of, I don't need it. I always share the big decisions with Jase, I may ask for advice from our parents but in the end its OUR decision.
My parents have made it perfectly clear that J is supposed to be the main provider and take care of me. It's old school Italian and the way I was raised. My Mom was raised the same way. She makes my Dads plate before she eats, the kitchen and laundry and cooking all my Mom's jobs. Their way of living isn't ours. J and I split everything pretty evenly at home. I thought that worked for both of us. Is that not working anymore or did he just get caught up in hurricane Momma. I know that we should talk, that I shouldn't let this just continue to bother me and expect Jase to figure it out. I don't talk well. It's hard for me to not always be the people pleaser. Maybe we will work some of this out this coming weekend, we're hoping to get out of town. We both need to blow off some steam.
Last night we borrowed a trailer from the in laws. I don't have a problem borrowing or sharing anything that we can with family. In fact I think it's great that in J's family they are so open with each other and offer to help with such ease. The borrowing was not the problem. It was really late when this was "decided", the tags are expired, we had to move stuff around at home in the middle of the night, we've never driven anything with a trailer hooked up. I just didn't think we should do it right then. I said that, they continued playing with it. I said specifically that I didn't want to take it home, nothing. We took it home. Hubs asked me if I was mad on the way home, you know how when someone asks you if you are mad it just makes you angrier. Yeah. Again I was just overlooked. J and his Mom decided we were taking it home it came home. It just hit a nerve.
I know that I have been weird for the last year or so, but I'm still me. I like to feel taken care of, I don't need it. I always share the big decisions with Jase, I may ask for advice from our parents but in the end its OUR decision.
My parents have made it perfectly clear that J is supposed to be the main provider and take care of me. It's old school Italian and the way I was raised. My Mom was raised the same way. She makes my Dads plate before she eats, the kitchen and laundry and cooking all my Mom's jobs. Their way of living isn't ours. J and I split everything pretty evenly at home. I thought that worked for both of us. Is that not working anymore or did he just get caught up in hurricane Momma. I know that we should talk, that I shouldn't let this just continue to bother me and expect Jase to figure it out. I don't talk well. It's hard for me to not always be the people pleaser. Maybe we will work some of this out this coming weekend, we're hoping to get out of town. We both need to blow off some steam.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Little Women??
Do I have "BRAINLESS TWIT" tattooed on my forehead? So part of what has me in a funk came to light tonight. And truthfully not just the funk from the last few days, although this hasn't helped that any either. I've said before that jase and I have been together for 10 years. In the last few days I keep thinking to myself that lots of people I know and love think I'm either stupid, have no opinion of my own, am in some way brainless or ditzy, or for some ungodly reason desire to be "taken care of" or in general treated like the "little women". (I know that a lot of quotes but I think that just drives home the absurdity of it all.) We just bought a new to us truck to replace my car that crapped out last summer. Now we have been sharing 1 vehicle for almost an entire year and really it hasn't been too much of a hassle. I've said before that I have been hiding lately and part of that included me not really leaving the house all that much especially by myself or for periods of time that would be a problem for Jase not having a car at home. So it really hasn't been a problem but as I'm digging out of my self imposed exile I've been out and about a lot more. We have been looking at getting another car for a while now and I really wanted a truck. I had a few specifications that we really tried to meet at least most of. We found it. The Truck. I said we spent most of the day Thursday tooling around with my in laws to look at the few we found in our price range and for the most part it was a good day. I don't really like car shopping in the first place, I always feel like I get treated like I don't know what I want or anything about cars in general. Which to some extent the latter is true. And I know not all car salesmen behave this way, my Dad sold cars for a few years so I know there are some genuine and helpful people out there. It's just something that I always brace myself for. Anyways by the 4th maybe 5th lot I was done it was hot and I was getting frustrated and frankly a little bored. We had dropped my FIL off at work so it was hubs his mom and I when we finally went to see the last one on the list. I hung back and a little the "dynamic duo" taking charge, we test drove it, asked some questions, and sat down to talk money. At this point it felt like I was hardly needed. When it was finally remembered that I was indeed there and maybe had an opinion I just went with it and pulled out the check book. I am happy with the car, we didn't pay over what I was comfortable with, and we drove it home that night.
This is getting a little whiny which is ick so I'm gonna hurry it up.Tonight I felt steam rolled again, although I did make my opinion known nobody really listened. I'm gonna finish in a part 2 I think cause right now I'm mad and talking typing whatever shouldn't be done when I wanna scream or throw my hands up and say "to hell with it!"
This is getting a little whiny which is ick so I'm gonna hurry it up.Tonight I felt steam rolled again, although I did make my opinion known nobody really listened. I'm gonna finish in a part 2 I think cause right now I'm mad and talking typing whatever shouldn't be done when I wanna scream or throw my hands up and say "to hell with it!"
Why Bother?
So I have really high-highs and really low-lows. I had a pretty good week. Jase and I spent wed and thurs together with his family. We had family pictures taken and that was pretty fun. Thursday we went car shopping and while it was nice to spend time with the family I hated it. We did finally get a truck and it was what we were looking for so the looking around all day and the tedious stuff paid off in the end. So for the most part that was a high.
Now I'm in a funk. Over something that's stupid too. I normally have pretty thick skin or a really good talent for letting things roll off me. But I got my feelings hurt and I'm just blah now. I know I will get over it, right now it just kind of stinks. Hence the Why bother? Why do we put our selves out there in the first place. Why am I trying to figure this stuff out now. Why, why, why? Why does it always seem there are so many questions and so few answers.
So I'm gonna read a little before bed and try to get over myself and try to enjoy my weekend. At least I can tool around in the new truck :)
Now I'm in a funk. Over something that's stupid too. I normally have pretty thick skin or a really good talent for letting things roll off me. But I got my feelings hurt and I'm just blah now. I know I will get over it, right now it just kind of stinks. Hence the Why bother? Why do we put our selves out there in the first place. Why am I trying to figure this stuff out now. Why, why, why? Why does it always seem there are so many questions and so few answers.
So I'm gonna read a little before bed and try to get over myself and try to enjoy my weekend. At least I can tool around in the new truck :)
Monday, May 14, 2012
When I grow up
When your little you get asked all the time what you want to be when you grow up. You get all kinds of answers, Soldier, Doctor, Actor, Mom, Dad, Singer, Lawyer,Superman, and loads of other things. I know a few people who have actually achieved those goals or are at least working towards them. I know far more people who figured it out later on what occupation would fit them best. BUT what about people (ME) who still don't know. I guess that's not entirely true, I knew I wanted to get married and be a Mom. I am the first and working on the second, so there is that. I always thought I wanted to be a teacher. I love kids in general and thought that helping them to learn and grow was something that I could find very fulfilling. I went off to college with my head in the clouds and dreams of my own classroom. When talking to councilors I didn't really like the programs offered not only at the Uni where I was attending but the states certification requirements as well. We don't have a great educational system where I live, we also have and abundance of teachers. I had someone actually tell me that if i truly wanted to be a teacher it would be wise for me to move because the jobs in OH were few and far between for k-8. I was ok with that I had also always wanted to live somewhere else. I left school for other reasons shortly after and have worked in retail ever since.
Now at 27 almost 28 I'm thinking about what I want to do. Do I still want to be a teacher, I'm more sure of what and who I would want to teach now. High School English. Do I want to work in some type of health care? I've seriously considered nursing school more then once in the last 10 years. Maybe cosmetology school, maybe a pre-k teacher, maybe some type of clerical work in billing or coding, maybe a writer?
I'm not really sure why I am having a hard time not only making up my mind but at least taking the steps to start. Most Bachelor degrees in anything take 2 years of gen ed courses. Part of the reason is fear, I haven't been in school in a long time can I do it, will I be successful. Part of the reason is money, not really the funds for school there all kinds of aide out there and I still have a college fund that was only partially used in my first foray into academia. What will we do for income at home if I am a student again. Believe me we need way more money to live then I needed at 18, would I be able to be at the least a part time student and work enough to help support my family. What about trying to have a baby? Do we wait until I'm done, do I take time off if I get pregnant, would I want to go back afterwards. Another big reason is because I don't know what I want to do. If I'm totally honest I would love to be a stay at home Mom. Is it realistic with our financial situation? No probably not. I don't want a job simply because of the money though. I want something that I enjoy and find rewarding. What that is, I will let you know when I grow up!
Now at 27 almost 28 I'm thinking about what I want to do. Do I still want to be a teacher, I'm more sure of what and who I would want to teach now. High School English. Do I want to work in some type of health care? I've seriously considered nursing school more then once in the last 10 years. Maybe cosmetology school, maybe a pre-k teacher, maybe some type of clerical work in billing or coding, maybe a writer?
I'm not really sure why I am having a hard time not only making up my mind but at least taking the steps to start. Most Bachelor degrees in anything take 2 years of gen ed courses. Part of the reason is fear, I haven't been in school in a long time can I do it, will I be successful. Part of the reason is money, not really the funds for school there all kinds of aide out there and I still have a college fund that was only partially used in my first foray into academia. What will we do for income at home if I am a student again. Believe me we need way more money to live then I needed at 18, would I be able to be at the least a part time student and work enough to help support my family. What about trying to have a baby? Do we wait until I'm done, do I take time off if I get pregnant, would I want to go back afterwards. Another big reason is because I don't know what I want to do. If I'm totally honest I would love to be a stay at home Mom. Is it realistic with our financial situation? No probably not. I don't want a job simply because of the money though. I want something that I enjoy and find rewarding. What that is, I will let you know when I grow up!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Busy Busy and Fun Stuff
We have nice weather!!! I've spent more time out of the house in the last 2 weeks than I have in months. This weekend I went shopping with my sister in law and niece. Saturday after hubs got home from work we went for a cook out with them. Then on Sunday we spent the day relaxing at Mother in laws playing outside. We are also looking for a new car and its a little stressful but I'm trying to take everything in stride. I'm beat but it was fun! This week isn't going to slow down any. It's going to be busy at the store with Mother's Day this weekend so I am going into work starting tomorrow or maybe Wednesday. It will be nice to have something to do. I just have to remember to stay calm and try to roll with the punches. Easier said than done with family involved but I am going to try, really really try. I'm struggling with Sunday a bit, because things are weird with my mom right now. We're going out to lunch with a bunch of extended family like we always do to a restaurant that none of us really like, then off to In-laws for a cook out. I'm going to be dragging ass by Monday :) So that's some of what I have in store for this week, its going to be long.............
To start it off right here are a few songs that make me smile!!
To start it off right here are a few songs that make me smile!!
Gotye:
Somebody that I used to know
One Direction:
What makes you beautiful
Ellie Goulding:
Lights
Friday, May 4, 2012
Spring Cleaning, A little late
I cannot believe the amount of stuff we have collected over the years. When I think of all the times that we have moved and just carted some of this stuff with us it makes my head spin. I moved from my parents house to a dorm room to hubs house to our first apartment to our second apartment to our house. Wow remembering all that didn't really help the spinning head :) And of course each move included more space adding to more acquired stuff, I'm seeing a pattern here. It's not like we need a Hoarders intervention or anything so dramatic. Just 10 years worth of life stuff. We've also apparently reached the age where our parents are giving us stuff, family heirlooms, all kinds of things from our childhoods. How do you decide what to keep and what to get rid of? Of course we take all of it, there could be some little piece of our history in there. My kids will want old birthday cards, the random art projects and school stuff that our Moms have decided we couldn't live without, stuff from high school that hold fond memories. Right?? Right? How the hell do I know.
A few years ago my Grandpa was considering selling his house and moving to a condo. My Mom and I went over to clean stuff out and keep the things from her childhood, things that were my Grandma's, from the garage sale pile. I came home with letters my Gram wrote right after they were first married and they were posted in NY. Both sets of my grams china, I took both sets because at the time hell was going to freeze over before my brothers girlfriends were getting anywhere near it. LOL Now I have 1 set we display with our wedding china and the other packed away for my little sister. Some other odds and ends from Moms childhood. Those are the things that are important to keep. How do I decide what people will want to remember hubs and I with?
Back to the Spring Cleaning.......
With all of the changes we are making and the few new things we are buying, some of the old stuff needs to go. The big things we are replacing are easy to figure out. My brother and a friend are getting an apartment together, they need everything. So pay it forward, when we first started we needed stuff, now we get to return the favor. It's all the other stuff that is giving me problems. I guarantee there are boxes packed upstairs, that we haven't touched in the 5 years of being here. There are probably a few boxes packed from the apt.
Clothes. Knick-Nacks. Kitchen things. BOOKS.(There a ton of those) Christmas Decorations. Stuff.
With all of the changes going on in my life, with the house and myself, I am finding it easier to "clean" stuff out. Things we no longer need or want. Habits that are bad for me or destructive in some other way. People who bring me down or don't have my best interests at heart. Out with the old and in with the new. Like our stuff, that means living better, loving better, new friends. Like our house, I'm getting there!
A few years ago my Grandpa was considering selling his house and moving to a condo. My Mom and I went over to clean stuff out and keep the things from her childhood, things that were my Grandma's, from the garage sale pile. I came home with letters my Gram wrote right after they were first married and they were posted in NY. Both sets of my grams china, I took both sets because at the time hell was going to freeze over before my brothers girlfriends were getting anywhere near it. LOL Now I have 1 set we display with our wedding china and the other packed away for my little sister. Some other odds and ends from Moms childhood. Those are the things that are important to keep. How do I decide what people will want to remember hubs and I with?
Back to the Spring Cleaning.......
With all of the changes we are making and the few new things we are buying, some of the old stuff needs to go. The big things we are replacing are easy to figure out. My brother and a friend are getting an apartment together, they need everything. So pay it forward, when we first started we needed stuff, now we get to return the favor. It's all the other stuff that is giving me problems. I guarantee there are boxes packed upstairs, that we haven't touched in the 5 years of being here. There are probably a few boxes packed from the apt.
Clothes. Knick-Nacks. Kitchen things. BOOKS.(There a ton of those) Christmas Decorations. Stuff.
With all of the changes going on in my life, with the house and myself, I am finding it easier to "clean" stuff out. Things we no longer need or want. Habits that are bad for me or destructive in some other way. People who bring me down or don't have my best interests at heart. Out with the old and in with the new. Like our stuff, that means living better, loving better, new friends. Like our house, I'm getting there!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Zzzzzzzz and "Grown-up Home"
I'm a little jumbled today. I've been back to not sleeping overly well again. Maybe it has something to do with dumping all of this stuff in my head out. Thinking about everything is keeping me up. Re-hashing some of this stuff is f**king with me all over again. I haven't posted about anywhere near everything yet, but the few things I have mentioned have brought all this other stuff to the surface.I don't know how well I'm dealing with this other stuff yet. Lots and Lots of layers. UGHHHHH
Add to that we are in the process of making some pretty big changes to our house and you get Sleepy, Extra Cranky Me. I am really excited for the house stuff though! For the last year we have kinda been living in limbo. Deciding on whether to stay where we are or move. If we move are we just going to leave Akron or leave Ohio all together. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. We tabled everything for winter, because we have moved twice in November and it is not a good idea ;) We have yucky winter weather here.
In February we started talking again. We figured out that we're going to stay put for a while. (A while we agreed can mean anywhere from 2-5 years) When we first moved in the carpet was awful. We ripped it out of the entire first floor and put in laminate. We replaced a broken window and did some minor repairs and painted everything. 3 years ago we totally gutted the kitchen and replaced everything.
Add to that we are in the process of making some pretty big changes to our house and you get Sleepy, Extra Cranky Me. I am really excited for the house stuff though! For the last year we have kinda been living in limbo. Deciding on whether to stay where we are or move. If we move are we just going to leave Akron or leave Ohio all together. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. We tabled everything for winter, because we have moved twice in November and it is not a good idea ;) We have yucky winter weather here.
In February we started talking again. We figured out that we're going to stay put for a while. (A while we agreed can mean anywhere from 2-5 years) When we first moved in the carpet was awful. We ripped it out of the entire first floor and put in laminate. We replaced a broken window and did some minor repairs and painted everything. 3 years ago we totally gutted the kitchen and replaced everything.
God that was a lot of work. But I love it, we have a few finishing touches left to do. Purely design wise, we still have towels on the curtain rod and we haven't put up the back splash. We have done a few things since then, but with us in limbo we didn't want to put too much money into anything if we weren't going to be here for a while. Since we decided to stay the 'To Do List' has seriously multiplied. We are moving some rooms around, getting a new refrigerator, washer and dryer-that we are moving upstairs into a brand spanking new 1st floor laundry room, YAY. We are fencing in the side yard for more room for outside fun and entertaining. We are finally getting NEW furniture. We have used hand me downs the entire time we have been together. We started out as poor kids who took what we could get, as we got older when parents or friends were getting something newer we took the old. It worked. Now we are making a "grown up" home. That means we need a new couch :)
Like Me our house is a work in progress. But its getting there.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Emotions
I had a fun post all about sex planned out for today but, I read someones post about emotions. Feeling them and the drive behind the feelings. Figuring out what certain things and people make you feel. It inspired me to post about emotions as well. When I finished reading his post, after collecting my emotions, I started thinking about when we first learn what feelings are. When we are 3 or 4. In kindergarten. Those formative years, when we are leaning about ourselves and the world around us. Or is it more something that you continue to learn through out your life. Do you really know what an emotion is simply by learning the definition of the word used to describe it?
Anger. Happiness. Sadness. Love. Hate. Frustration. Grief. Remorse. The list goes on and on and on.
When you think of a certain person in your life, in my case I will use hubs, what do you feel? Love, Happiness, Wonderful, Comfortable, Lonely, Frustrated, Inadequate, Annoyed and a bunch of other things all the time and some sometimes. Confused is another that works :)
Is it easy to be honest with yourself about all your feelings? Of course not! The rosey, sunshiney, happy-happy feelings are easy to see and even easier to share. Its the others that are more difficult. Not only to admit to yourself but to admit to anyone else either.
Should it be easy? I'm still working on this one. The "Happy" feelings sure they're easy. Nothing about feeling seriously lonely when hubs and I am in the same room sometimes should be easy. The reason behind it, admitting it, trying to change it. None of that should be easy, But I don't think your feelings for someone else should be all that easy anyways. No one is perfect and thinking that the only emotions you feel for someone will be the easy ones puts both of you as a disadvantage. I know he isn't perfect and neither am I. So why would my feelings be "perfect" This isn't Stepford. No one can tell me what to feel. And in the end glossing over all the bad stuff just makes it that much worse when you finally let it out.
Will you always feel the same way? Hell No!! I was 17 when I first met hubs, 10 years later I sure hope I am a deeper more emotionally involved person then I was then. Life experience alone has shaped me into a more well rounded and whole person. I'm not a fundamentally different person then I was back then but I'm certainly not the same. SO If I'm not the same why should my feelings be the same.
Is it ok that your feelings have changed? I think it is necessary. When we first met I didn't love him, sure I liked him and liked spending time with him. But my feelings along with our relationship changed over time.
I think in my case coming to terms with my changing feelings towards my parents is a bigger adjustment to me. And not just the expected feelings of becoming an adult and starting your own life. Sure that is part of it but in trying to find myself or figure myself out (whatever that means) I'm learning stuff about my feelings towards my parents. I think if I listed them all it would take 3/4 of a page and I don't think I am completely there yet anyways.
I'm working on them, like everything else and realizing its ok to be conflicted. That doesn't come easy to me. Figuring out that I am not the person I always thought I was and was ok being is HARD! Figuring out that stuff is jumbled inside my head is HARD! Trying to figure out where everything I am feeling is supposed to fit is HARD! Realizing that there is no set point when we are supposed to have it all figured out is HARD! If life and love and feelings were never HARD wouldn't we all be bored senseless. Sure there are somethings that I have felt and experienced that I wouldn't want to relive but I don't think I would change them. That would change the person I am today and even though its taken me a long time and I am not completely there yet I like the person I am.
** Thanks B, for sharing you are an incredible person and even though it sometimes sucks keep at it! Your words are inspiring you are inspiring! Give him a hug for me M!
Anger. Happiness. Sadness. Love. Hate. Frustration. Grief. Remorse. The list goes on and on and on.
When you think of a certain person in your life, in my case I will use hubs, what do you feel? Love, Happiness, Wonderful, Comfortable, Lonely, Frustrated, Inadequate, Annoyed and a bunch of other things all the time and some sometimes. Confused is another that works :)
Is it easy to be honest with yourself about all your feelings? Of course not! The rosey, sunshiney, happy-happy feelings are easy to see and even easier to share. Its the others that are more difficult. Not only to admit to yourself but to admit to anyone else either.
Should it be easy? I'm still working on this one. The "Happy" feelings sure they're easy. Nothing about feeling seriously lonely when hubs and I am in the same room sometimes should be easy. The reason behind it, admitting it, trying to change it. None of that should be easy, But I don't think your feelings for someone else should be all that easy anyways. No one is perfect and thinking that the only emotions you feel for someone will be the easy ones puts both of you as a disadvantage. I know he isn't perfect and neither am I. So why would my feelings be "perfect" This isn't Stepford. No one can tell me what to feel. And in the end glossing over all the bad stuff just makes it that much worse when you finally let it out.
Will you always feel the same way? Hell No!! I was 17 when I first met hubs, 10 years later I sure hope I am a deeper more emotionally involved person then I was then. Life experience alone has shaped me into a more well rounded and whole person. I'm not a fundamentally different person then I was back then but I'm certainly not the same. SO If I'm not the same why should my feelings be the same.
Is it ok that your feelings have changed? I think it is necessary. When we first met I didn't love him, sure I liked him and liked spending time with him. But my feelings along with our relationship changed over time.
I think in my case coming to terms with my changing feelings towards my parents is a bigger adjustment to me. And not just the expected feelings of becoming an adult and starting your own life. Sure that is part of it but in trying to find myself or figure myself out (whatever that means) I'm learning stuff about my feelings towards my parents. I think if I listed them all it would take 3/4 of a page and I don't think I am completely there yet anyways.
I'm working on them, like everything else and realizing its ok to be conflicted. That doesn't come easy to me. Figuring out that I am not the person I always thought I was and was ok being is HARD! Figuring out that stuff is jumbled inside my head is HARD! Trying to figure out where everything I am feeling is supposed to fit is HARD! Realizing that there is no set point when we are supposed to have it all figured out is HARD! If life and love and feelings were never HARD wouldn't we all be bored senseless. Sure there are somethings that I have felt and experienced that I wouldn't want to relive but I don't think I would change them. That would change the person I am today and even though its taken me a long time and I am not completely there yet I like the person I am.
** Thanks B, for sharing you are an incredible person and even though it sometimes sucks keep at it! Your words are inspiring you are inspiring! Give him a hug for me M!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Friends
I don't make friends easily. I tend to be an odd mixture of out going and shy. Meeting new people doesn't really bother me, in a social setting. Making a deeper connection, making actual "friends" instead of just acquaintances proves to be more trouble. I don't open up or let people in easily. The few close friends that I have, have been around forever. After high school, instead of coming more out of my shell, I buried my head in the sand. Putting myself out there is hard for me. I have a gigantic fear of rejection, so it has been easier to hide and not face any chance of it happening. I met my husband online and we talked for months and months before I finally agreed to meet him in person. Admittedly it was one of the best decisions I ever made :) I have friends online now, good friends that I chat with daily. They are real friends, but in person I clam up. I have been trying to open up more. We have been trying to go out more. It's still hard. There is no better place to hide than on the couch in my family room.
I'm realizing I have all kinds of insecurities. Fear of rejection. Sharing the real me. Over analyzing everything. This post is taking forever to write because I don't want to sound whiny, or like I'm making excuses. I'm running through all the things people might think about me reading this. It's always in my head that I'm 27, a "grown up" I shouldn't be feeling like this. All these things in my head have a paralyzing affect on me. Make the easy way of not opening up to new people seem like the best way. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. Rationally I know it only seems that way, I have the power to work through these things that make it hard for me. Taking the first step sometimes feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff, when I'm really only putting one foot in front of the other.
I belong to a book group though Goodreads, I comment occasionally, I have a few friends. I still hide behind anonymity. I've messaged a few people to discuss books and introduce myself but haven't really made an effort. In this controlled setting with people that have shown great compassion and acceptance of all types of people, I still hide. I read a story a while back written by another member, about their life. A particular "chapter" hit me really hard. I decided to message them. I said that although our situations were different I knew where they were coming from. It took me a few days to get up the courage to even take that step. Which of course fed the "you are so weird" line in my head, and made me feel ridiculous. When they responded I again waited a few days to even read what was sent. I don't know this person from Adam and was still worried they would judge me, "reject" me. When I finally read it it was a thank you for my kind words, nothing bad. There we go with feeling ridiculous again. :) We've written a few times. Mostly just a back and forth about general stuff.
Do I send a note that says: Do you want to be my friend? Check YES or NO like a note from grade school. Do I send the occasional: Hey how's it going? note and keep it simple. Do I teeter totter back and forth over what to do? Thinking and re thinking all the things that could happen. I mean really, sometimes I just don't understand myself. Can I step out of my comfort zone enough to take the plunge so to speak?
How do you make friends? Everyday people send emails, make phone calls, send texts, tweets, facebook messages, and so on. Are these connections? Can you make "real" friends by sending online messages back and forth? In this age of technology, can you make new friends in the real world? I'll let you know when/if I figure it out.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Bad Days.....
I still have them. I have good days too, and the bad aren't happening nearly as much as they were. This weekend was a blend of both. Saturday was a challenge for a few reasons. I went to a baby shower for a friend in the afternoon. I totally forgot that it was this weekend, so Friday night when I remembered I freaked out a little bit. It was of course too late when I remembered to run to the store to get a present, I figured I could run out in the morning and get it before. The best laid plans and all that. So Saturday morning rolls around and I get up earlier then I have been so that I can get to the store with plenty of time to come home and get ready and be on time. My Mom calls first thing to see if I can come in and help with a big order. This hasn't happened since the "blow up" and truthfully I haven't seen or talked to my Mom since Easter when we were surrounded by family so the "everything is fine" masks were firmly in place. I went to help because she whined, my Dad was sick, and its not like I want the business to fail I would just prefer to not work there. "It will only be about an hour I have most everything done I left dad with the "baby" to be his nurse I don't think he can make it in today" We pretended like everything was fine, at least I pretended I don't know if she doesn't think anything is really wrong or that I will just get over it, but it was mostly ok. Although 1 hour turned into 3 and I think she would have been happy for me to skip the shower and help all day. I might have done it in the past ( who am I kidding I HAVE done it in the past) but it wasn't happening this time. I rushed to the store, rushed home, rushed to get ready, and rushed there and still got there 15 minutes late. I hate being late.
The party was ok, my friend is glowing, I got to see some other friends I don't see too often, there was cake :) Grandma and Grandpa are tickled pink, I got to congratulate her sister and her husband who just announced they are pregnant too. I normally get a little emotional about baby things the hubs and I are having a tough time starting our own family and it typically gets me down, but I was ok. (I'll post about this eventually) I'm really happy for them both! When I came home hubs and I had a nice dinner and a low key evening watching movies it turned out alright.
Sunday, we sleep in, its awesome. We planned to go out hiking or something outdoors if it was nice. I asked hubs if it was cold outside when he came in from taking the dog out. He flips his phone around and shows me the weather app. Me: Alright, its 42 out ok but was it really cold or can we still go out. Him: Eh, its 42. Me: That doesn't really help, is it windy, is the sun out what? At this point I'm freaking out. I don't really know why it wasn't that big of a deal, but at this point I'm flipping aggravated. I snapped at him, and yelled a bit. I curled back up in bed and figured screw it. When that didn't work, I threw on some clothes and was just going to leave, grab something to eat and head over to the store for some peace and quiet and frankly to calm the f**k down. Hubs sees me tells me to wait a minute he'll go grab his shoes and we'll go together. I'm still a little bit mad and really ashamed now because I flipped for no reason and took it out on hubs. I threw on a hoodie and hid on the couch until he coaxes me that it will be fine lets go get some lunch and figure out what to do today. We went and got sushi then talked about what home improvement things we want to do this spring and summer. A really great husband and quite a lot of retail therapy got me out of my funk.
This is how my days go sometimes. Something happens that totally throws my mood down the drain. Makes me want to curl up and forget the day. Makes me snap at my husband for no good reason which makes me feel worse. I'm trying to understand myself more, to understand why I am this way. Figure out what my "triggers" are. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like that I ruin a perfectly good day by flipping out. I'm working on it, but it is taking time. I know that there isn't a miracle cure. This isn't something that I can fix by simply wishing it wasn't this way. This is going to take time. I'm learning, I'm talking, I'm trying. That's all I can do. P.S. I love you, Babe!!
The party was ok, my friend is glowing, I got to see some other friends I don't see too often, there was cake :) Grandma and Grandpa are tickled pink, I got to congratulate her sister and her husband who just announced they are pregnant too. I normally get a little emotional about baby things the hubs and I are having a tough time starting our own family and it typically gets me down, but I was ok. (I'll post about this eventually) I'm really happy for them both! When I came home hubs and I had a nice dinner and a low key evening watching movies it turned out alright.
Sunday, we sleep in, its awesome. We planned to go out hiking or something outdoors if it was nice. I asked hubs if it was cold outside when he came in from taking the dog out. He flips his phone around and shows me the weather app. Me: Alright, its 42 out ok but was it really cold or can we still go out. Him: Eh, its 42. Me: That doesn't really help, is it windy, is the sun out what? At this point I'm freaking out. I don't really know why it wasn't that big of a deal, but at this point I'm flipping aggravated. I snapped at him, and yelled a bit. I curled back up in bed and figured screw it. When that didn't work, I threw on some clothes and was just going to leave, grab something to eat and head over to the store for some peace and quiet and frankly to calm the f**k down. Hubs sees me tells me to wait a minute he'll go grab his shoes and we'll go together. I'm still a little bit mad and really ashamed now because I flipped for no reason and took it out on hubs. I threw on a hoodie and hid on the couch until he coaxes me that it will be fine lets go get some lunch and figure out what to do today. We went and got sushi then talked about what home improvement things we want to do this spring and summer. A really great husband and quite a lot of retail therapy got me out of my funk.
This is how my days go sometimes. Something happens that totally throws my mood down the drain. Makes me want to curl up and forget the day. Makes me snap at my husband for no good reason which makes me feel worse. I'm trying to understand myself more, to understand why I am this way. Figure out what my "triggers" are. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like that I ruin a perfectly good day by flipping out. I'm working on it, but it is taking time. I know that there isn't a miracle cure. This isn't something that I can fix by simply wishing it wasn't this way. This is going to take time. I'm learning, I'm talking, I'm trying. That's all I can do. P.S. I love you, Babe!!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Happy Thoughts
So I'm going for a lighter post today. It took me a while to figure out if I wanted to post a specific story or come up with something else. I think I will save the happy stories for another day and just go with some random things about myself and my life.
- I'm married to my best friend. We've been together 10 years and know each other really well. We love to laugh. We started dating when I was 17 and him 19, we've "grown up" together. It hasn't always been easy, or fun but he's home.
- We have a dog. He's terribly spoiled and we love him to pieces.
- I'm Italian and LOVE to cook. I love trying out new recipes, ingredients. I tend to be more adventurous in my tastes, but have successfully worn him down over the years and can get him to try most anything now. Although he still doesn't like sushi and its one of my favorites.
- I love to travel. I have been to many places, Italy when I was 16, Amsterdam, Canada all over the place, Mexico, Guatemala, the Cayman Islands, Key West, many places in the states. The list of places I'd still like to visit at least once is seriously long. Not all exotic or far away places either, there are plenty of those on the list though. We haven't been too many places together and would Love to share them with my husband.
- I've known my two best girlfriends since Kindergarten. We can go for really long times with out talking and then get together and its like we spoke yesterday. I call their parents Mom and Dad. I love them!
- I'm a tomboy and have always had more guy friends then girl friends. Still do.
- In high school I was a band geek. Captain of the flag line. Editor of the yearbook senior year. I took 4 years of Italian. Was in a few musicals. And got pretty good grades.
- I love photography and taking pictures, but am horrible about getting pictures of hubs and I together. I still have empty picture frames on the wall in our family room and a few unfinished scrapbooks.
- We love to watch movies. There's a drive-in near us that we go to all summer for double features that makes for a great date night. We have collected a shit-ton of dvd's and have finally graduated to netflix.
- My favorite color is orange
- I love HoHos (the little debbie kind) and Ice Cream (lots of kinds).
- I like girly drinks but will have the occasional corona with lime
- I like classical music
- I read like mad and enjoy romance books especially M/M, historical, and paranormal.
Why?
So, I thought after the intro I'd get more into why I decided to do this. Last May I quit my job. This isn't something overly special for most people, it happens all the time. It was a little different for me partially because I have had this job for most of my life(I'll explain I promise) and partially because after that I kind of crept into my cave and stayed there. Until recently and I have been cautiously poking my head out. I didn't go cold turkey from work I get called in every once in a while and still helped on holidays. But I'm getting ahead of myself. My family owns a business and have for almost 70 years. I remember doing little tasks for nickles and dimes when I came home from kindergarten. Some of my first memories are from the back office play room my parents had set up for me and my brother. It was fun and for a really long time we didn't know that we lived any differently then everyone else. Some of the busiest times are around the holidays at the store. Going to the store everyday after school, going in with my parents on the weekends, staying late nights around the holidays to get everything done. None of that seemed odd growing up it just was the way it was. My first "real job" in high school was working at the store. There were a few years that I worked retail jobs at the mall and I helped out when I was needed but that was all. When I went off to college I only helped out on the major holidays and for big summer jobs. I dropped out before finishing my first semester and was working full time at the mall when my parents needed help. I left that job and went to work full time "managing" one of our locations. I've always liked the job, and have been really close to the employees my whole life. It was great. I was given more and more responsibility and for the most part managing our second location. My parents were relying on me more and more. Through my job and within our family. I've never had a problem with doing what needs to be done or doing what has been asked of me.
Through all of this I got married and we got a house. We started our lives. My Dad had to have back surgery, my Mom took on less and less because of my little sister. More and more things were falling to me to take care of. I didn't realize that I had been pushing my feelings about work and family obligations and my OWN family to the back burner. Last year it all came to a head. I broke. I had it out with my parents it was all too much. It was affecting my relationship with my husband, my friends, my parents. I told them that they could have an employee or a daughter. I still haven't really talked to them about everything I suppose I try to avoid confrontation as much as possible. (which is funny because i have a Sicilian temper) This is mostly why I quit. Even after I quit I still worked whenever they called, emergencies, sicknesses, if they were really busy and just needed the help. If they were in a jam or had something to do or wanted to go on vacation. I helped with my little sister if it was needed so they could work. None of this was really out of the norm and I mostly didn't mind until I started resenting them and the things they asked me to do. I was neglecting things in my own home to help them, canceling plans etc. I felt taken advantage of.
I'm the oldest in a traditional Italian family it was ingrained in me from a young age that family came first. This is a great thing to be brought up believing. It still is. But I was losing myself in the process, I don't even know if I ever really knew myself outside of that. I started avoiding the calls, coming up with reasons we couldn't go over there for dinner, hiding my car in the garage so they wouldn't know I was home. Ridiculous. I'm a grown woman and was hiding in my house from my parents. A few weeks ago there was a knock on my back door. I'm in my jammies watching TV with my husband and there's a knock. It was my dad. He asks to come in, I'm thinking its odd for him to be here at all because they never have been to our house. We've lived there for 5 years and they've never been there. I'm thinking something is wrong, my grandparents are both in their late 80s, my brother isn't the best driver in the world, my little sister has asthma. Something must be wrong. So while thinking of all the things that can be wrong I scramble to open the door.
He stares at me for a moment and then starts to lecture me. Why haven't you answered your phone, why haven't you called, why did you say you wouldn't work Saturday. Trying to wrap my brain around WTF is going on he just keeps going. And going. And going. What are you going to do with your life, if you don't want to work at the store you need to do something, you're wasting your life, you can't live like this. What can I do, do you want to talk to our priest, do you want to talk to me, do you want me to find you a counselor. My hubs is hiding, the dog is freaking out, I'm crying, my brain is in the process of exploding and he just keeps talking. My Dad has never been a yeller he has this thing I call the "phone voice" He can be freaking the hell out and the phone rings and he answers it like a radio DJ "Hello, how are you?" terribly pleasant nothing is wrong. Can't possibly let anyone know that something is wrong. So he's using the voice all calm and such and I'm thinking "Get the F**k out of my house! I can't believe you came here and are standing in my living room talking to me like I am 13 and stayed out later then my curfew" I'm thinking " How fast could we move away? I can't live like this anymore he's right." I finally just say STOP. Just STOP. I don't know what's going on with me, I don't know what will make me happy, I don't know what you can do right now, I don't even know if there is anything YOU can do. I've always had a thing about disappointing anyone my parents especially. It makes me sick and squirmy and it's not a good feeling at all. And my parents have always been great about laying on the guilt. I know that some of what I'm feeling isn't there fault, they didn't know that this is the way I'm feeling. We don't talk about feelings remember. I finally make some noises about me trying to figure things out. He tells me he loves me, can I have a hug. I'm thinking anything to get you out of here right now.
He leaves, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour. Freaked my hubs the hell out. I woke up the next morning thinking I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I have to start living MY life. And yes that means I have to figure out what all of that will entail. I talked with friends, talked about things that I need to change, I talked about TALKING about it. I started a blog.
So that's where I am now, sorta. I'm talking, I'm figuring things out, I'm not setting unrealistic goals, I'm trying to live for me and make my marriage stronger. I'm working at making it better. This has been a really long post and kinda hard to get out, but it feels good. So thanks! I'm going to try for a happy, well happier post next time, honest :)
Through all of this I got married and we got a house. We started our lives. My Dad had to have back surgery, my Mom took on less and less because of my little sister. More and more things were falling to me to take care of. I didn't realize that I had been pushing my feelings about work and family obligations and my OWN family to the back burner. Last year it all came to a head. I broke. I had it out with my parents it was all too much. It was affecting my relationship with my husband, my friends, my parents. I told them that they could have an employee or a daughter. I still haven't really talked to them about everything I suppose I try to avoid confrontation as much as possible. (which is funny because i have a Sicilian temper) This is mostly why I quit. Even after I quit I still worked whenever they called, emergencies, sicknesses, if they were really busy and just needed the help. If they were in a jam or had something to do or wanted to go on vacation. I helped with my little sister if it was needed so they could work. None of this was really out of the norm and I mostly didn't mind until I started resenting them and the things they asked me to do. I was neglecting things in my own home to help them, canceling plans etc. I felt taken advantage of.
I'm the oldest in a traditional Italian family it was ingrained in me from a young age that family came first. This is a great thing to be brought up believing. It still is. But I was losing myself in the process, I don't even know if I ever really knew myself outside of that. I started avoiding the calls, coming up with reasons we couldn't go over there for dinner, hiding my car in the garage so they wouldn't know I was home. Ridiculous. I'm a grown woman and was hiding in my house from my parents. A few weeks ago there was a knock on my back door. I'm in my jammies watching TV with my husband and there's a knock. It was my dad. He asks to come in, I'm thinking its odd for him to be here at all because they never have been to our house. We've lived there for 5 years and they've never been there. I'm thinking something is wrong, my grandparents are both in their late 80s, my brother isn't the best driver in the world, my little sister has asthma. Something must be wrong. So while thinking of all the things that can be wrong I scramble to open the door.
He stares at me for a moment and then starts to lecture me. Why haven't you answered your phone, why haven't you called, why did you say you wouldn't work Saturday. Trying to wrap my brain around WTF is going on he just keeps going. And going. And going. What are you going to do with your life, if you don't want to work at the store you need to do something, you're wasting your life, you can't live like this. What can I do, do you want to talk to our priest, do you want to talk to me, do you want me to find you a counselor. My hubs is hiding, the dog is freaking out, I'm crying, my brain is in the process of exploding and he just keeps talking. My Dad has never been a yeller he has this thing I call the "phone voice" He can be freaking the hell out and the phone rings and he answers it like a radio DJ "Hello, how are you?" terribly pleasant nothing is wrong. Can't possibly let anyone know that something is wrong. So he's using the voice all calm and such and I'm thinking "Get the F**k out of my house! I can't believe you came here and are standing in my living room talking to me like I am 13 and stayed out later then my curfew" I'm thinking " How fast could we move away? I can't live like this anymore he's right." I finally just say STOP. Just STOP. I don't know what's going on with me, I don't know what will make me happy, I don't know what you can do right now, I don't even know if there is anything YOU can do. I've always had a thing about disappointing anyone my parents especially. It makes me sick and squirmy and it's not a good feeling at all. And my parents have always been great about laying on the guilt. I know that some of what I'm feeling isn't there fault, they didn't know that this is the way I'm feeling. We don't talk about feelings remember. I finally make some noises about me trying to figure things out. He tells me he loves me, can I have a hug. I'm thinking anything to get you out of here right now.
He leaves, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour. Freaked my hubs the hell out. I woke up the next morning thinking I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I have to start living MY life. And yes that means I have to figure out what all of that will entail. I talked with friends, talked about things that I need to change, I talked about TALKING about it. I started a blog.
So that's where I am now, sorta. I'm talking, I'm figuring things out, I'm not setting unrealistic goals, I'm trying to live for me and make my marriage stronger. I'm working at making it better. This has been a really long post and kinda hard to get out, but it feels good. So thanks! I'm going to try for a happy, well happier post next time, honest :)
Thursday, April 19, 2012
This is me.........
So, lets start with the easy stuff. My name is Maria, I'm 27, am married to my best friend,and after that it gets a little complicated. I decided to start this blog to get some of my thoughts out there. I'm depressed. It took me a while to come to terms with that, and to be honest I'm not totally there yet. It was suggested that I start writing a journal but for some reason the idea of working through some of my issues in a way that no one would see didn't sound appealing. I know that opening myself up will allow the good and the bad to reach me, but I think I need that. I grew up with a family that didn't ever say what we were really thinking or feeling. It wasn't right to let everyone know when we had problems or disagreements. I was taught not to talk back, my parents word was final, and that most of the time it was best to keep my opinions to myself. I'm trying not to make excuses or blame my stuff on other people. So enough on that front for now I'm sure I will be heading back there quite a lot through my journey.
I have a younger brother who is 25 and a younger sister who is 10. Yes you read that correctly she is 17 years younger than me and its been interesting to say the least. I went to private school from k through 12th grade and even went to a private college and have a full semester of incomplete credits to show for it. I'm Italian and have a huge extended family that we used to do everything with. my parents will have been married for 30 years come October. Most people from the outside looking in would think that I have a wonderful family and a great life. I'm not saying I don't, its just complicated ........... everything is complicated.
I have always worked really hard at being a good daughter, sister, student, girlfriend, wife, friend, person and am starting to realize that somewhere along the way i have left little pieces of ME out to fit those molds. I suppose that I thought I would have more "stuff" figured out by the time I was in my late 20s so it has been hard breaking the habit of thinking that just because the stuff i imagined at 16 I would have accomplished or become by now haven't happened, its ok.
It took me a while to figure out the title I wanted to use, at first I wanted something clever but thought everything I came up with sounded like I was trying to hard. So i figured going with what I was going to be talking about was the best. So lets start with......
Life: I'm still figuring it out like lots of other people, I'm still looking to live my life the best I can, I'm still figuring out what that entails. I'm realizing its ok not to be perfect. I have good days and bad days.
Love: I'm totally in it :) I'm also coming to understand all the different types.
The In Betweens: This one will take a little more explaining. But essentially it is exactly what it sounds like. I have lots of things to work out to make my relationships better, to understand myself more, to be able to give myself more fully. I imagine I am going to be spending the most time on this one. There are going to be good ones and bad ones and past, present and future ones. Also, random things that I just feel like sharing.
I'm still figuring out everything that I want to put out there in the ether to be read, and understood, and judged. I tend to be a very private person so this is going to be an ongoing thing I'm working on. I'm not going to promise regular posts or anything of that nature because I don't want this to be something that is forced. I'm not doing this for anyone other than myself, if someone reads something that I write and it touches them in some way or another thats great but not the goal. I know that I have read the words of others and have gained insight, courage, I've shed tears and jumped up and down in joy with happiness for them. I'm hoping by sharing I can understand myself better. It all remains to be seen, but im gonna give it a go. That's all for now I think, I'm debating what to post next probably the reason why I decided to try and lift the fog of the last year now. We'll see, thanks for reading!
I have a younger brother who is 25 and a younger sister who is 10. Yes you read that correctly she is 17 years younger than me and its been interesting to say the least. I went to private school from k through 12th grade and even went to a private college and have a full semester of incomplete credits to show for it. I'm Italian and have a huge extended family that we used to do everything with. my parents will have been married for 30 years come October. Most people from the outside looking in would think that I have a wonderful family and a great life. I'm not saying I don't, its just complicated ........... everything is complicated.
I have always worked really hard at being a good daughter, sister, student, girlfriend, wife, friend, person and am starting to realize that somewhere along the way i have left little pieces of ME out to fit those molds. I suppose that I thought I would have more "stuff" figured out by the time I was in my late 20s so it has been hard breaking the habit of thinking that just because the stuff i imagined at 16 I would have accomplished or become by now haven't happened, its ok.
It took me a while to figure out the title I wanted to use, at first I wanted something clever but thought everything I came up with sounded like I was trying to hard. So i figured going with what I was going to be talking about was the best. So lets start with......
Life: I'm still figuring it out like lots of other people, I'm still looking to live my life the best I can, I'm still figuring out what that entails. I'm realizing its ok not to be perfect. I have good days and bad days.
Love: I'm totally in it :) I'm also coming to understand all the different types.
The In Betweens: This one will take a little more explaining. But essentially it is exactly what it sounds like. I have lots of things to work out to make my relationships better, to understand myself more, to be able to give myself more fully. I imagine I am going to be spending the most time on this one. There are going to be good ones and bad ones and past, present and future ones. Also, random things that I just feel like sharing.
I'm still figuring out everything that I want to put out there in the ether to be read, and understood, and judged. I tend to be a very private person so this is going to be an ongoing thing I'm working on. I'm not going to promise regular posts or anything of that nature because I don't want this to be something that is forced. I'm not doing this for anyone other than myself, if someone reads something that I write and it touches them in some way or another thats great but not the goal. I know that I have read the words of others and have gained insight, courage, I've shed tears and jumped up and down in joy with happiness for them. I'm hoping by sharing I can understand myself better. It all remains to be seen, but im gonna give it a go. That's all for now I think, I'm debating what to post next probably the reason why I decided to try and lift the fog of the last year now. We'll see, thanks for reading!
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