Friends

I don't make friends easily.  I tend to be an odd mixture of out going and shy. Meeting new people doesn't really bother me, in a social setting. Making a deeper connection, making actual "friends" instead of just acquaintances proves to be more trouble. I don't open up or let people in easily. The few close friends that I have, have been around forever. After high school, instead of coming more out of my shell, I buried my head in the sand. Putting myself out there is hard for me. I have a gigantic fear of rejection, so it has been easier to hide and not face any chance of it happening. I met my husband online and we talked for months and months before I finally agreed to meet him in person. Admittedly it was one of the best decisions I ever made :) I have friends online now, good friends that I chat with daily. They are real friends, but in person I clam up. I have been trying to open up more. We have been trying to go out more. It's still hard. There is no better place to hide than on the couch in my family room. 

I'm realizing I have all kinds of insecurities. Fear of rejection. Sharing the real me. Over analyzing everything. This post is taking forever to write because I don't want to sound whiny, or like I'm making excuses. I'm running through all the things people might think about me reading this. It's always in my head that I'm 27, a "grown up" I shouldn't be feeling like this. All these things in my head have a paralyzing affect on me. Make the easy way of not opening up to new people seem like the best way. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. Rationally I know it only seems that way, I have the power to work through these things that make it hard for me. Taking the first step sometimes feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff, when I'm really only putting one foot in front of the other. 

I belong to a book group though Goodreads, I comment occasionally, I have a few friends. I still hide behind anonymity. I've messaged a few people to discuss books and introduce myself but haven't really made an effort. In this controlled setting with people that have shown great compassion and acceptance of all types of people, I still hide. I read a story a while back written by another member, about their life. A particular "chapter" hit me really hard. I decided to message them. I said that although our situations were different I knew where they were coming from. It took me a few days to get up the courage to even take that step. Which of course fed the "you are so weird" line in my head, and made me feel ridiculous. When they responded I again waited a few days to even read what was sent. I don't know this person from Adam and was still worried they would judge me, "reject" me. When I finally read it it was a thank you for my kind words, nothing bad. There we go with feeling ridiculous again. :) We've written a few times. Mostly just a back and forth about general stuff. 

Do I send a note that says: Do you want to be my friend? Check YES or NO like a note from grade school. Do I send the occasional: Hey how's it going? note and keep it simple. Do I teeter totter back and forth over what to do? Thinking and re thinking all the things that could happen. I mean really, sometimes I just don't understand myself. Can I step out of my comfort zone enough to take the plunge so to speak?

 How do you make friends?  Everyday people send emails, make phone calls, send texts, tweets, facebook messages, and so on. Are these connections? Can you make "real" friends by sending online messages back and forth? In this age of technology, can you make new friends in the real world? I'll let you know when/if I figure it out.

Bad Days.....

I still have them. I have good days too, and the bad aren't happening nearly as much as they were. This weekend was a blend of both. Saturday was a challenge for a few reasons. I went to a baby shower for a friend in the afternoon. I totally forgot that it was this weekend, so Friday night when I remembered I freaked out a little bit. It was of course too late when I remembered to run to the store to get a present, I figured I could run out in the morning and get it before. The best laid plans and all that. So Saturday morning rolls around and I get up earlier then I have been so that I can get to the store with plenty of time to come home and get ready and be on time. My Mom calls first thing to see if I can come in and help with a big order. This hasn't happened since the "blow up" and truthfully I haven't seen or talked to my Mom since Easter when we were surrounded by family so the "everything is fine" masks were firmly in place.  I went to help because she whined, my Dad was sick, and its not like I want the business to fail I would just prefer to not work there. "It will only be about an hour I have most everything done I left dad with the "baby" to be his nurse I don't think he can make it in today"  We pretended like everything was fine, at least I pretended I don't know if she doesn't think anything is really wrong or that I will just get over it, but it was mostly ok. Although 1 hour turned into 3 and I think she would have been happy for me to skip the shower and help all day. I might have done it in the past ( who am I kidding I HAVE done it in the past) but it wasn't happening this time. I rushed to the store, rushed home, rushed to get ready, and rushed there and still got there 15 minutes late. I hate being late.
The party was ok, my friend is glowing, I got to see some other friends I don't see too often, there was cake :) Grandma and Grandpa are tickled pink, I got to congratulate her sister and her husband who just announced they are pregnant too. I normally get a little emotional about baby things the hubs and I are having a tough time starting our own family and it typically gets me down, but I was ok. (I'll post about this eventually) I'm really happy for them both! When I came home hubs and I had a nice dinner and a low key evening watching movies it turned out alright.
Sunday, we sleep in, its awesome. We planned to go out hiking or something outdoors if it was nice. I asked hubs if it was cold outside when he came in from taking the dog out. He flips his phone around and shows me the weather app. Me:  Alright, its 42 out ok but was it really cold or can we still go out. Him: Eh, its 42. Me: That doesn't really help, is it windy, is the sun out what? At this point I'm freaking out. I don't really know why it wasn't that big of a deal, but at this point I'm flipping aggravated. I snapped at him, and yelled a bit. I curled back up in bed and figured screw it. When that didn't work, I threw on some clothes and was just going to leave, grab something to eat and head over to the store for some peace and quiet and frankly to calm the f**k down. Hubs sees me tells me to wait a minute he'll go grab his shoes and we'll go together. I'm still a little bit mad and really ashamed now because I flipped for no reason and took it out on hubs. I threw on a hoodie and hid on the couch until he coaxes me that it will be fine lets go get some lunch and figure out what to do today. We went and got sushi then talked about what home improvement things we want to do this spring and summer. A really great husband and quite a lot of retail therapy got me out of my funk.
This is how my days go sometimes. Something happens that totally throws my mood down the drain. Makes me want to curl up and forget the day. Makes me snap at my husband for no good reason which makes me feel worse. I'm trying to understand myself more, to understand why I am this way. Figure out what my "triggers" are. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like that I ruin a perfectly good day by flipping out. I'm working on it, but it is taking time. I know that there isn't a miracle cure. This isn't something that I can fix by simply wishing it wasn't this way. This is going to take time. I'm learning, I'm talking, I'm trying. That's all I can do. P.S. I love you, Babe!!

Happy Thoughts

So I'm going for a lighter post today. It took me a while to figure out if I wanted to post a specific story or come up with something else. I think I will save the happy stories for another day and just go with some random things about myself and my life.

• I'm married to my best friend. We've been together 10 years and know each other really well. We love to laugh. We started dating when I was 17 and him 19, we've "grown up" together.  It hasn't always been easy, or fun but he's home.
• We have a dog. He's terribly spoiled and we love him to pieces. 
• I'm Italian and LOVE to cook. I love trying out new recipes, ingredients. I tend to be more adventurous in my tastes, but have successfully worn him down over the years and can get him to try most anything now. Although he still doesn't like sushi and its one of my favorites.
• I love to travel. I have been to many places, Italy when I was 16, Amsterdam, Canada all over the place, Mexico, Guatemala, the Cayman Islands, Key West, many places in the states. The list of places I'd still like to visit at least once is seriously long. Not all exotic or far away places either, there are plenty of those on the list though. We haven't been too many places together and would Love to share them with my husband.
• I've known my two best girlfriends since Kindergarten. We can go for really long times with out talking and then get together and its like we spoke yesterday. I call their parents Mom and Dad. I love them!
• I'm a tomboy and have always had more guy friends then girl friends. Still do. 
• In high school I was a band geek. Captain of the flag line. Editor of the yearbook senior year. I took 4 years of Italian. Was in a few musicals. And got pretty good grades.
• I love photography and taking pictures, but am horrible about getting pictures of hubs and I together. I still have empty picture frames on the wall in our family room and a few unfinished scrapbooks.
• We love to watch movies. There's a drive-in near us that we go to all summer for double features that makes for a great date night. We have collected a shit-ton of dvd's and have finally graduated to netflix.
• My favorite color is orange
• I love HoHos (the little debbie kind) and Ice Cream (lots of kinds).
• I like girly drinks but will have the occasional corona with lime
• I like classical music
• I read like mad and enjoy romance books especially M/M, historical, and paranormal.

That's enough for now I think. And its getting a little hard to talk about myself, so see ya later.

Why?

So, I thought after the intro I'd get more into why I decided to do this. Last May I quit my job. This isn't something overly special for most people, it happens all the time. It was a little different for me partially because I have had this job for most of my life(I'll explain I promise) and partially because after that I kind of crept into my cave and stayed there. Until recently and I have been cautiously poking my head out. I didn't go cold turkey from work I get called in every once in a while and still helped on holidays. But I'm getting ahead of myself. My family owns a business and have for almost 70 years. I remember doing little tasks for nickles and dimes when I came home from kindergarten. Some of my first memories are from the back office play room my parents had set up for me and my brother. It was fun and for a really long time we didn't know that we lived any differently then everyone else. Some of the busiest times are around the holidays at the store. Going to the store everyday after school, going in with my parents on the weekends, staying late nights around the holidays to get everything done. None of that seemed odd growing up it just was the way it was. My first "real job" in high school was working at the store. There were a few years that I worked retail jobs at the mall and I helped out when I was needed but that was all. When I went off to college I only helped out on the major holidays and for big summer jobs. I dropped out before finishing my first semester and was working full time at the mall when my parents needed help. I left that job and went to work full time "managing" one of our locations. I've always liked the job, and have been really close to the employees my whole life. It was great. I was given more and more responsibility and for the most part managing our second location. My parents were relying on me more and more. Through my job and within our family. I've never had a problem with doing what needs to be done or doing what has been asked of me.
Through all of this I got married and we got a house. We started our lives. My Dad had to have back surgery, my Mom took on less and less because of my little sister. More and more things were falling to me to take care of. I didn't realize that I had been pushing my feelings about work and family obligations and my OWN family to the back burner. Last year it all came to a head. I broke. I had it out with my parents it was all too much. It was affecting my relationship with my husband, my friends, my parents. I told them that they could have an employee or a daughter. I still haven't really talked to them about everything I suppose I try to avoid confrontation as much as possible. (which is funny because i have a Sicilian temper) This is mostly why I quit. Even after I quit I still worked whenever they called, emergencies, sicknesses, if they were really busy and just needed the help. If they were in a jam or had something to do or wanted to go on vacation. I helped with my little sister if it was needed so they could work. None of this was really out of the norm and I mostly didn't mind until I started resenting them and the things they asked me to do. I was neglecting things in my own home to help them, canceling plans etc. I felt taken advantage of.
I'm the oldest in a traditional Italian family it was ingrained in me from a young age that family came first. This is a great thing to be brought up believing. It still is. But I was losing myself in the process, I don't even know if I ever really knew myself outside of that. I started avoiding the calls, coming up with reasons we couldn't go over there for dinner, hiding my car in the garage so they wouldn't know I was home. Ridiculous. I'm a grown woman and was hiding in my house from my parents. A few weeks ago there was a knock on my back door. I'm in my jammies watching TV with my husband and there's a knock. It was my dad.  He asks to come in, I'm thinking its odd for him to be here at all because they never have been to our house. We've lived there for 5 years and they've never been there. I'm thinking something is wrong, my grandparents are both in their late 80s, my brother isn't the best driver in the world, my little sister has asthma. Something must be wrong. So while thinking of all the things that can be wrong I scramble to open the door.
He stares at me for a moment and then starts to lecture me. Why haven't you answered your phone, why haven't you called, why did you say you wouldn't work Saturday. Trying to wrap my brain around WTF is going on he just keeps going. And going. And going. What are you going to do with your life, if you don't want to work at the store you need to do something, you're wasting your life, you can't live like this. What can I do, do you want to talk to our priest, do you want to talk to me, do you want me to find you a counselor. My hubs is hiding, the dog is freaking out, I'm crying, my brain is in the process of exploding and he just keeps talking. My Dad has never been a yeller he has this thing I call the "phone voice" He can be freaking the hell out and the phone rings and he answers it like a radio DJ "Hello, how are you?" terribly pleasant nothing is wrong. Can't possibly let anyone know that something is wrong. So he's using the voice all calm and such and I'm thinking "Get the F**k out of my house! I can't believe you came here and are standing in my living room talking to me like I am 13 and stayed out later then my curfew" I'm thinking " How fast could we move away? I can't live like this anymore he's right." I finally just say STOP. Just STOP. I don't know what's going on with me, I don't know what will make me happy, I don't  know what you can do right now, I don't even know if there is anything YOU can do. I've always had a thing about disappointing anyone my parents especially. It makes me sick and squirmy and it's not a good feeling at all. And my parents have always been great about laying on the guilt. I know that some of what I'm feeling isn't there fault, they didn't know that this is the way I'm feeling. We don't talk about feelings remember. I finally make some noises about me trying to figure things out. He tells me he loves me, can I have a hug. I'm thinking anything to get you out of here right now.
He leaves, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour. Freaked my hubs the hell out. I woke up the next morning thinking I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I have to start living MY life. And yes that means I have to figure out what all of that will entail. I talked with friends, talked about things that I need to change, I talked about TALKING about it. I started a blog.
So that's where I am now, sorta. I'm talking, I'm figuring things out, I'm not setting unrealistic goals, I'm trying to live for me and make my marriage stronger. I'm working at making it better. This has been a really long post and kinda hard to get out, but it feels good. So thanks! I'm going to try for a happy, well happier post next time, honest :)

This is me.........

So, lets start with the easy stuff. My name is Maria, I'm 27, am married to my best friend,and after that it gets a little complicated. I decided to start this blog to get some of my thoughts out there. I'm depressed. It took me a while to come to terms with that, and to be honest I'm not totally there yet. It was suggested that I start writing a journal but for some reason the idea of working through some of my issues in a way that no one would see didn't sound appealing. I know that opening myself up will allow the good and the bad to reach me, but I think I need that. I grew up with a  family that didn't ever say what we were really thinking or feeling. It wasn't right to let everyone know when we had problems or disagreements. I was taught not to talk back, my parents word was final, and that most of the time it was best to keep my opinions to myself.  I'm trying not to make excuses or blame my stuff on other people. So enough on that front for now I'm sure I will be heading back there quite a lot through my journey.
I have a younger brother who is 25 and a younger sister who is 10.  Yes you read that correctly she is 17 years younger than me and its been interesting to say the least.  I went to private school from k through 12th grade and even went to a private college and have a full semester of incomplete credits to show for it. I'm Italian and have a huge extended family that we used to do everything with. my parents will have been married for 30 years come October. Most people from the outside looking in would think that I have a wonderful family and a great life. I'm not saying I don't, its just complicated ........... everything is complicated.
I have always worked really hard at being a good daughter, sister, student, girlfriend, wife, friend, person and am starting to realize that somewhere along the way i have left little pieces of ME out to fit those molds.  I suppose that I thought I would have more "stuff" figured out by the time I was in my late 20s so it has been hard breaking the habit of thinking that just because the stuff i imagined at 16 I would have accomplished or become by now haven't happened, its ok.
It took me a while to figure out the title I wanted to use, at first I wanted something clever but thought everything I came up with sounded like I was trying to hard. So i figured going with what I was going to be talking about was the best. So lets start with......
 Life: I'm still figuring it out like lots of other people, I'm still looking to live my life the best I can, I'm still figuring out what that entails. I'm realizing its ok not to be perfect. I have good days and bad days.
Love:  I'm totally in it :) I'm also coming to understand all the different types.
The In Betweens: This one will take a little more explaining. But essentially it is exactly what it sounds like. I have lots of things to work out to make my relationships better, to understand myself more, to be able to give myself more fully. I imagine I am going to be spending the most time on this one. There are going to be good ones and bad ones and past, present and future ones. Also, random things that I just feel like sharing.
 I'm still figuring out everything that I want to put out there in the ether to be read, and understood, and judged. I tend to be a very private person so this is going to be an ongoing thing I'm working on. I'm not going to promise regular posts or anything of that nature because I don't want this to be something that is forced. I'm not doing this for anyone other than myself, if someone reads something that I write and it touches them in some way or another thats great but not the goal. I know that I have read the words of others and have gained insight, courage,  I've shed tears and jumped up and down in joy with happiness for them. I'm hoping by sharing I can understand myself better. It all remains to be seen, but im gonna give it a go.  That's all for now I think, I'm debating what to post next probably the reason why I decided to try and lift the fog of the last year now. We'll see, thanks for reading!