Bad Days.....

I still have them. I have good days too, and the bad aren't happening nearly as much as they were. This weekend was a blend of both. Saturday was a challenge for a few reasons. I went to a baby shower for a friend in the afternoon. I totally forgot that it was this weekend, so Friday night when I remembered I freaked out a little bit. It was of course too late when I remembered to run to the store to get a present, I figured I could run out in the morning and get it before. The best laid plans and all that. So Saturday morning rolls around and I get up earlier then I have been so that I can get to the store with plenty of time to come home and get ready and be on time. My Mom calls first thing to see if I can come in and help with a big order. This hasn't happened since the "blow up" and truthfully I haven't seen or talked to my Mom since Easter when we were surrounded by family so the "everything is fine" masks were firmly in place.  I went to help because she whined, my Dad was sick, and its not like I want the business to fail I would just prefer to not work there. "It will only be about an hour I have most everything done I left dad with the "baby" to be his nurse I don't think he can make it in today"  We pretended like everything was fine, at least I pretended I don't know if she doesn't think anything is really wrong or that I will just get over it, but it was mostly ok. Although 1 hour turned into 3 and I think she would have been happy for me to skip the shower and help all day. I might have done it in the past ( who am I kidding I HAVE done it in the past) but it wasn't happening this time. I rushed to the store, rushed home, rushed to get ready, and rushed there and still got there 15 minutes late. I hate being late.
The party was ok, my friend is glowing, I got to see some other friends I don't see too often, there was cake :) Grandma and Grandpa are tickled pink, I got to congratulate her sister and her husband who just announced they are pregnant too. I normally get a little emotional about baby things the hubs and I are having a tough time starting our own family and it typically gets me down, but I was ok. (I'll post about this eventually) I'm really happy for them both! When I came home hubs and I had a nice dinner and a low key evening watching movies it turned out alright.
Sunday, we sleep in, its awesome. We planned to go out hiking or something outdoors if it was nice. I asked hubs if it was cold outside when he came in from taking the dog out. He flips his phone around and shows me the weather app. Me:  Alright, its 42 out ok but was it really cold or can we still go out. Him: Eh, its 42. Me: That doesn't really help, is it windy, is the sun out what? At this point I'm freaking out. I don't really know why it wasn't that big of a deal, but at this point I'm flipping aggravated. I snapped at him, and yelled a bit. I curled back up in bed and figured screw it. When that didn't work, I threw on some clothes and was just going to leave, grab something to eat and head over to the store for some peace and quiet and frankly to calm the f**k down. Hubs sees me tells me to wait a minute he'll go grab his shoes and we'll go together. I'm still a little bit mad and really ashamed now because I flipped for no reason and took it out on hubs. I threw on a hoodie and hid on the couch until he coaxes me that it will be fine lets go get some lunch and figure out what to do today. We went and got sushi then talked about what home improvement things we want to do this spring and summer. A really great husband and quite a lot of retail therapy got me out of my funk.
This is how my days go sometimes. Something happens that totally throws my mood down the drain. Makes me want to curl up and forget the day. Makes me snap at my husband for no good reason which makes me feel worse. I'm trying to understand myself more, to understand why I am this way. Figure out what my "triggers" are. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like that I ruin a perfectly good day by flipping out. I'm working on it, but it is taking time. I know that there isn't a miracle cure. This isn't something that I can fix by simply wishing it wasn't this way. This is going to take time. I'm learning, I'm talking, I'm trying. That's all I can do. P.S. I love you, Babe!!