Friends

I don't make friends easily.  I tend to be an odd mixture of out going and shy. Meeting new people doesn't really bother me, in a social setting. Making a deeper connection, making actual "friends" instead of just acquaintances proves to be more trouble. I don't open up or let people in easily. The few close friends that I have, have been around forever. After high school, instead of coming more out of my shell, I buried my head in the sand. Putting myself out there is hard for me. I have a gigantic fear of rejection, so it has been easier to hide and not face any chance of it happening. I met my husband online and we talked for months and months before I finally agreed to meet him in person. Admittedly it was one of the best decisions I ever made :) I have friends online now, good friends that I chat with daily. They are real friends, but in person I clam up. I have been trying to open up more. We have been trying to go out more. It's still hard. There is no better place to hide than on the couch in my family room. 

I'm realizing I have all kinds of insecurities. Fear of rejection. Sharing the real me. Over analyzing everything. This post is taking forever to write because I don't want to sound whiny, or like I'm making excuses. I'm running through all the things people might think about me reading this. It's always in my head that I'm 27, a "grown up" I shouldn't be feeling like this. All these things in my head have a paralyzing affect on me. Make the easy way of not opening up to new people seem like the best way. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. Rationally I know it only seems that way, I have the power to work through these things that make it hard for me. Taking the first step sometimes feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff, when I'm really only putting one foot in front of the other. 

I belong to a book group though Goodreads, I comment occasionally, I have a few friends. I still hide behind anonymity. I've messaged a few people to discuss books and introduce myself but haven't really made an effort. In this controlled setting with people that have shown great compassion and acceptance of all types of people, I still hide. I read a story a while back written by another member, about their life. A particular "chapter" hit me really hard. I decided to message them. I said that although our situations were different I knew where they were coming from. It took me a few days to get up the courage to even take that step. Which of course fed the "you are so weird" line in my head, and made me feel ridiculous. When they responded I again waited a few days to even read what was sent. I don't know this person from Adam and was still worried they would judge me, "reject" me. When I finally read it it was a thank you for my kind words, nothing bad. There we go with feeling ridiculous again. :) We've written a few times. Mostly just a back and forth about general stuff. 

Do I send a note that says: Do you want to be my friend? Check YES or NO like a note from grade school. Do I send the occasional: Hey how's it going? note and keep it simple. Do I teeter totter back and forth over what to do? Thinking and re thinking all the things that could happen. I mean really, sometimes I just don't understand myself. Can I step out of my comfort zone enough to take the plunge so to speak?

 How do you make friends?  Everyday people send emails, make phone calls, send texts, tweets, facebook messages, and so on. Are these connections? Can you make "real" friends by sending online messages back and forth? In this age of technology, can you make new friends in the real world? I'll let you know when/if I figure it out.